Today I ache to be inspired, to find glory in the mundane. I long to shed apathy but just as equally I flail like a child against the change that comes. My world is soon to be violently uprooted and I sway between bitterness and longing like a raft out at sea. No sooner do I break the wave of one do I crash into the next emotion. So much of who I am and who I’ve become is tied to what I’ve known and created in the last two years… and yet, I know it’s not enough.
I know it’s not enough to spend eight hours of one’s day without spark, without imagination. Just like I know change challenges and forces one to analyze life, passion, truth but mostly, and chiefly, self. Change demands facing the demons of past that I’ve been putting aside and hoping will neatly fit in the box that is much too small to contain their encompassing grip.
But I also know moving doesn’t make everything better. I’m under no false pretenses that all will magically fix itself. It requires, rather demands, travailing. It demands commitment, discipline. The ‘me’ that makes me today will make me tomorrow; it follows me as I journey. The challenge is then to change the ‘me.’ To find the inspiration. To find the glory, the spark, the possibility. The challenge is to rise, to dream, to hope and then move to action.
I will soon come to a crossroad of choosing to categorize myself by was or will be. The choice is mine. Will I go with freedom? Will I continue to clench my hands to things that have long since passed in vain hopes they may return? Is gripping the past, and all of its pain by which I am no longer defined, easier or less scary than letting go and fully embracing unknown – is that why I struggle?
Who will I be? That is my choice. If I truly long for spark as I claim what in me will I change to find it? How will I impact my own world?