There are moments when the small parts of your heart you’ve entrusted to other places burn. The frayed edges swelter with the separation so fiercely they become the central fixture of your life in that moment. The last ten days have been as such. It’s the complexity of that moment when you know that the part of you that is kept safely by another needs your whole self…ardently. And in an instant, you know there is absolutely no where else in the world to be. The conviction is pure, and blazing.
The pieces of me that rest far away beckoned – a plea often soft and subtle but one rarely made, intensifying the sheer necessity in the moments it is. In the split second I debated my unforeseen hiatus, I realized I was already gone. My sole focus then became the means by which I would physically get to the place where suddenly my whole heart already was.
What did this mean? It means a plane ticket, a few frantic emails, a call to the office later, I journeyed. It was chaotic and tiring and a mostly a huge blur. But never, ever, ever have I been so invaded by peace and contentment in returning to the place I decided to leave long ago. It was the easiest return I’ve ever made. I think this is because there was a grace over the trip in as much as I was exactly where I was intended to be. And I spent the next days being about exactly who and what I was supposed to be about.
As I was frantically preparing to leave, a friend told me how lucky I was. I looked at her bewildered and slightly hurt. I felt she lacked respect for the situation and its impact. Then she explained I was lucky to have not only encountered but maintained a moment that so truly and completely holds such a piece of me that jumping on a plane at a moment’s notice in a time of need is the most natural thing to do. Anna, not everyone gets to encounter and hold onto that kind relationship in life. Consider yourself lucky…
I quickly tucked my pride away and realized how right she was. Though my heart hurt and my mind raced, perspective reminded me how fortunate I am in my ability to tuck away little pieces of myself across the world, each piece safely and securely looked after. In the moments that those pieces need me, I give my whole self to the best of my ability. In this case, a complete hiatus from every semblance of routine I’d otherwise created. I was happy to do it. There was nowhere else I wanted to be.
So, that’s where I’ve been…. and yes, I missed you, too.