Madrid

Month Five

Life is different.

I’m settling in. I’ve realized I do not have to maintain temporary. I can build, I can grow. I can meet and enjoy and ponder and develop. I am not in a holding pattern, governed by the timeline of limited purpose. Because often- so often- feeble expectations gravely underestimate waiting realities.

Perspective is different.

Moments of ache and longing have crescendoed. What was different is now familiar, what was alarming now routine. I speak to teach but often my words fail amongst the realm of listening to the cacophony that teaches me so much so quickly. Sometimes it is patient, but most of the time it doesn’t wait. It continues and simply expects me to catch up. What was static and fixed is now grey and muddled. Desires fade into the sweeping shores of experience, each crashing into the former wrecking that structures you imagined you had created.

Everyday is different.

The exhaustion is constant, unwavering. To most this is sad and cause for concern. It is not. It is the nature of having chosen a life different than that which is comfortable. Beauty swings to and fro on the pendulum of the day’s difficulty often blaring but sometimes beyond reach. That which was crack worthy is now solace providing and the demands of introspection blitz until they’ve left you sore and aching, constantly at war with what you thought was in spite of the realization of what is. And it somehow becomes fluid, constructing that which you never thought would be…

Plans are different.

What once moved your heart is now distant in the realization that is has not grown with you, but is simply a part of you. What was providing definition – albeit at times unknowingly- now ceases to reconcile with the present. The question of blending the two worlds becomes less of a question and more of a savored memory – each teaching you more than the last. Heart strings fray until their once commanding grip dims into remnants of a former life.

Shores crash…

Until slowly, assuredly and in a most-expected way I realize it’s me.. I’m changing.

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